The Goal: Resolve Ambivalence
Some people set goals and accomplish them without any problem, and then there are others who get caught somewhere between wanting and not wanting change. If you’ve ever been a friend on the “listening end” of this kind of dilemma, you might find yourself directing the person to “just do” something. Here is a typical conversation:
“I really want to train more for that marathon.”
“Well, why don’t you start longer runs on Saturdays?”
“Oh, I can’t, I’m busy with other things on Saturdays.”
No matter the suggestion, the answer will be an argument for why it’s not possible. You may begin to feel tension and wonder whether the person really means what is said.
People often voice a desire to make a change and then argue for why it’s not possible or why they can’t do it.
“I don’t like my job and would rather do something else, but I don’t have time to get my resume together.”
“I know this relationship is not right, but I can’t end it.”
“I want to get fit, but I don’t have time to exercise.”
These discrepancies signify ambivalence which is usually coupled with tension.
If you are the one feeling stuck and frustrated with tension related to attempting to make changes in your life, goal setting can be a good test of what you really want and what you’re willing to do to get it. Here is some info to try out the process.
Order and Testing with Goals
When you think it’s time to make a change in your life, begin the process by being very clear about what is most important to you in the big picture. Be explicit about your values or guiding principles and then create goals that align with them.
“I value my health and fitness, therefore, I make time every day for 30 mins. to do something fitness related like run, meditate, yoga, or strength train.”
Order
When specific and measurable goals are written down and thereby made concrete, commitment and action can follow because the goal serves to bring structure and order to your thoughts and behavior. You will experience satisfaction when you are working towards goals, and that satisfaction will help you continue with and set new goals. It’s a loop that keeps you going. This is what happens when guiding principles and goals are aligned and you are committed. Things start to flow. There is little to no ambivalence or conflict between what you say is important, what you want to do, and what you actually do.
Testing
Aside from creating order, a goal’s usefulness can also be demonstrated when you feel tested by it. What changes are you really willing to make to create something you say is important?
“I value my health and fitness.” “Darn, I’m really having a hard time finding that 30 mins. per day to put toward fitness, I can’t wake up early enough before work and I’m too tired after work.”
If, for some reason, there is difficulty in accomplishing the goal due to lack of effort, follow through, or discovering that the task it is too much, it’s time to check in with yourself. Is this goal really something you are committed to and believe to be most important? If the answer is yes, and you still can’t seem to take an action step, stop and notice what tension may be arising. Learn to be “okay” with this tension/ambivalence. It can be resolved by noticing it, being mindful of the “wrestling,” and then, when you are ready, making the decision to take action or not. It is key to give yourself permission to not take action, and know that you will when you are ready. Eventually you will choose one side of the scenario – take action or not.
Recognize that tension is part of the change process. It’s ok to be ambivalent for as long as you need to be, you will achieve your goals when you are ready and no one can make you be ready except for you. When you are clear about what’s important to you, you can commit, re-commit, or adjust your goals according to those guiding principles, and then act.
Conclusion
Many people report feeling stuck in life decisions that they can’t seem to figure out. You may be able to practice the process of goal setting and testing, creating the changes you desire. Sometimes the “stuckness” is more than you can handle. Therapy can be a very helpful tool for gaining clarity when there is a level of ambivalence that is creating so much stress and tension that anxiety increases and mood is impacted. It’s beyond what you and your friends/partner can help you with. Therapy can be viewed as a tool to embrace and reduce ambivalence, you will get assistance in figuring out what you really want and how to take action (or not) based on that discovery.
Darla Sedlacek, Ph.D., Psychologist, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Coach, Fitness Trainer, Yoga Teacher, educator, and athlete. She assists athletes, coaches, and others who seek to have optimal performance and experience in and out of sport, in relationships, parenting, and other meaningful areas of life. She serves people in Greater Cleveland, Ohio, with therapy services, group/team seminars, and sport coaching/leadership trainings. For more info, check www.drdarlased.com.