Pandemic of Compassion

We like to think we’re in control. We schedule. We work. We workout. We do the things. Sudden events beyond our control show us that we are not always in the “driver’s seat” even when we are.

I was in a car accident in 2004 that shattered my right ankle, left foot, and left wrist. I was told I’d never walk again. As a devoted marathon runner and soccer player at that time, my horror at the thought was intense. However, my sense of self was not shattered like my bones. I knew that I was more than a “runner” and “soccer player” in my identity. I committed to finding a way around the injuries. As a psychologist, I showed up to see my clients, propping my casted shattered limbs up on chairs, following directions to elevate them. “What’s on your radar today?,” I’d say to clients, with the best poker face I could muster, suffering inside not knowing the fate of my mobility. Would I walk again? Would I ever run or play soccer? When will my pain and suffering end? I joined my clients in their pain during our sessions. This is a developed skill but an innate sense of compassion. The car accident delivered a sharp and sudden dose of deep physical and emotional pain. That trauma over time, became a gift of even deeper compassion.

We will suffer with each other right now to varying degrees in response to this pandemic. Compassion means to feel with, suffer with. From a psychological perspective, and especially from a performance psychology slant, there are some things you can do to cope with suffering, and with sudden change and uncertainty. There are many things I could outline with varying target audiences in mind. In a basic way with broad appeal, two things are especially important: How you talk to yourself and how you define meaning.

Monitor Self-Talk, especially Fear Talk

Recognize that fear is an emotion that will create stress in your body. It asks you to act. If you don’t act, you are stuck with the energy of the emotion in your body. You can MANAGE fear by noticing when it arises, taking deep breaths (which is action) to calm your nervous system, and noticing your thoughts. How are you talking to yourself? Say helpful things rather than unhelpful things to yourself. Make it a practice to notice and change up thoughts that are not helpful. You won’t get rid of them, but you can practice managing them and their impact on your nervous system.

I practiced changing “what if I never walk again?” to “I will do everything I can in physical therapy, I am doing my best, I am adapting.”

In response to the pandemic, instead of saying “oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” say, “This is happening and I am handling it.”

In response to a change in your Jiu Jitsu routine, instead of fretting over the gym being closed and losing your skills, say to yourself, “This is a break, with or without Jiu Jitsu I am grateful to be healthy and alive.”

Monitor your self-talk, it makes a difference in how you respond to the events at hand. As you monitor your inside dialogue, further notice how you talk to your partners, kids, and friends. If you find yourself “messing up,” have compassion for yourself and keep practicing.

 Redefine What’s Important and Set Goals

Many of us are so schedule bound and activity dense that it might be difficult to re-create a new structure and pause everything. While structure and goals are important in creating life satisfaction, coping with the pandemic has required many of us to stay at home and to sometimes do nothing.

What happens when you do NOTHING? Nothing. That’s what. Try it. You will not cease to exist, you will actually have some moments to appreciate that you exist even if you are not DOING something. Now as unsettling as it may be, it’s ok to pause given what’s going on. Time for transition is necessary and sometimes to re-create the schedule and goals, you have to pause. When you’re ready, you will start to move forward. If you’re not ready, continue to pause.

During a pause, you might have a newfound clarity for what’s truly important to you in this pandemic framework. To set good goals based on what’s important, ask yourself, “What is truly important?” and write those things down. Then aligned with those, write 1-3 goals that are do-able, measurable, specific, and time based. Keep it simple. Goals will give you some order in disorder/chaos, and help you feel competent and satisfied, even as you may be suffering. They will help you to manage your energy. Do what you are moved to do, do what you can. Do your best. That is enough. Nothing is a valid option. Revisit and revise as needed.

Before and after the car accident, my health and the importance of my work were driving forces (no pun intended) for my goals. My immediate goals included journaling daily about my pain, go to therapy 1x week so I could monitor my trauma and continue to provide good therapy, and everyday doing as many sit ups as I possibly could for 30 minutes, lifting a heavy dumbbell with my one good limb for a few sets.

During the pandemic stay at home order, if your health is important, your goal may be to stay home, use grocery delivery services rather than go out, engage in one 30 minute segment of activity like running, walking, yoga per day. If being of service is important to you, you might make 10 masks per day for 10 days with your sewing machine. If maintaining friendships is important, you might call 2 friends per day.

Instead of training Jiu Jitsu 5x per week, replace that training with another type of movement, or watch 5 instructionals per week at the same time as class was. Set boundaries around time spent.

Conclusion

The interruption and challenge of that car accident taught me much over time. This pandemic is interrupting our daily lives and challenging many of us in varying ways. It’s a collective challenge and a collective opportunity to remember/redefine the things most important. You have ample time to practice monitoring your self-talk, and practice goal setting to bring some order to a new routine. We define ourselves so often by our activities, for now maybe we can work on how to pause, enjoy nothing and everything, while having compassion for ourselves and others who may be suffering.

 If you must have a to do list:

3 drills for mental health during the next 2 weeks

-If possible, give yourself (and kids) permission to sleep as often as you’d like. In times of stress, it’s better to sleep more than less. If you were a person who was scheduled every hour of the day, non-stop go-go-go, now is the time to recalibrate your activity and rest cycles. Allow yourself to sleep.

-Give yourself permission to eat whatever you’d like.  If your appetite increases, follow it. If your appetite decreases, follow it. Trust your hunger to guide you and eat what you like. This is a time to recalibrate your eating. If you fear you will eat only junk food, so what? Eventually you will have your fill and want something else. You might start to crave a salad. The point is, learn to trust your urges for food, the type and timing.

-Give yourself permission to do nothing as often as you like. When you are ready, you will do something.